Are you or your spouse considering divorce…
…but uncertainty, questions, and what-ifs are holding you back?
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a brief process: a maximum of 10 hours in total. There are between one and five sessions and the sessions are each two hours long.
The process ends once a decision about the future of your marriage has been made. The decision is one of the following:
- Keep the status quo and make no decisions for now.
- Separate if you haven’t already and ultimately divorce.
- Commit to six months of all-out effort in couples counseling. Divorce goes off the table for that time. Re-evaluate after six months.
I will spend most of our time meeting with each partner individually. This allows each of you to speak freely about your marriage and reflect on your own role in the relationship dynamics.
We won’t be trying to solve the problems in your marriage during this process; therefore, there are no interventions for the problems. You are only trying to determine if the problems are solvable. Don’t expect your marriage to change during this time. We aren’t sure yet if it can be changed!
You’ll each spend about five minutes after your individual session sharing your “takeaways” with your partner. The reason for this is so that each person can explicitly take accountability. Knowing the details of what will be addressed in future couples counseling can help the uncertain partner feel more confident.
Meeting with a discernment therapist instead of separate individual therapists has a big advantage. This is because I get perspectives from both of you, while individual therapists only see one partner's side. With input from just one person, individual therapists are very limited in how helpful their feedback can be.
A discernment counselor is equipped to hear both your and your spouse’s points of view and to give feedback accordingly. You both want to be as informed as possible before deciding on how to move forward in one of the biggest decisions of your life.
What is the goal of Discernment Counseling?
- To help you get unstuck.
- To help you move forward in your decision-making process.
- To help you evaluate your relationship and your part of the problems that have arisen.
- For each person to clarify what you are willing to do to resolve your relationship problems.
- Ultimately, the goal is to work together to decide if you want to put the effort into changing your relationship.
- Are you willing to contribute your time and energy to that change?
- The conclusion you and your spouse make at the end of the process will be, do you want to stay with the status quo, begin the divorce process, or enter into marriage counseling.
Discernment Counseling Is a Good Fit If…
✓There is still a chance — even a small one — of saving this marriage.
✓You’ve gone to couples counseling in the past and you’re unconvinced more couples counseling would help.
✓You are willing to reflect on your behavior and take accountability for your part of the dynamic.
✓You want to work with a trained therapist who has both your perspective and your spouse’s perspective so that you’re more able to develop insight.
Discernment Counseling Is Not a Good Fit If…
✕ Deep down, you have already made up your mind to divorce and you are looking for help in expressing that decision.
✕ You aren’t willing to reflect on your own behavior.
✕ One of you is coercing the other to participate.
✕ There is ongoing domestic violence.
✕ You are not legally married, OR you have not made a lifetime commitment to each other.
To start Discernment Counseling, contact me today!